You Don't Look Like My Mommy Anymore

November 19, 2008

You Don't Look Like My Mommy Anymore

My 3 year old attends the district based inclusion preschool program. We put our names into a lottery and her name got pulled. When we received her acceptance letter into the program I was thrilled. I was so excited for her to be chosen because I never win anything, ever. Being able for my daughter to go to preschool for 5 days a week for under $200 a month, seemed like a major win to me - even if it was only for a 2 hour "short day" class. I had images of her going to school and me having all this free time to myself every day. Something that I hadn't had in, oh - the seven or so years since becoming 'a mom'. I had images of going to the gym several days a week, getting manis or pedis, and quietly sipping a cup of coffee while reading a book in Barnes & Noble. Secretly, and not so secretly, I hoped that I might be able to find "me" again.

So, here we are mid-November. School is in full swing (although they sure have had a lot of days off) and we've already hit Parent-Teacher conference week. My daughter is really coming into her own and loves school. I wish I could say the same thing about myself, but I can't. I find myself saying it would have been easier to just keep her home another year, or - maybe I should have looked at other options (longer days, fewer days a week - which all cost an arm and a leg)... My images of the Gym on M-W-F, Mani/Pedi's on Tues, and books & java on Thursdays... all but a dream. So much for that.. I'm still the same tired out 'mom' I was before preschool started.

Those two dreamy hours to myself each day now consist of me conquering as many errands as I can get done and still be back in time for preschool-pickup. No mani/pedi's and I've since canceled my gym membership because I just wasn't making it there enough to justify the monthly expense. As for enjoying a coffee while relaxing & reading a book at Barnes & Nobles.. I do often drive through Dunkin Donuts to fuel up before embarking on my daily tasks and then when I've gone to 5 stores plus or minus the post office and the bank and somehow manage to get it all done "early" I indulge myself by reading books (like the entire Twilight series) in my minivan. If I'm lucky, I might even have some coffee left to sip down while reading! Now, THAT is indulgence. What has happened to me?

Yesterday, I decided enough was enough. I wanted "me" time. I blew off the child-free errands and I went and got my brows waxed and my hair cut. Instead of the usual trim the ends off of my dull bob, I asked the stylist to give me a new style but to not go to short. I told her what I liked (and she had a really fun style, herself), took a deep breath and put my faith in a stranger. And when it was all done, I loved it. I got to pre-school pickup and got compliments from several of the moms that felt pretty darn sincere. I was feeling high, rejuvenated, that feeling like I could go home and make a four-course dinner in make-up and heels.

Then out came the kids where they lined up in a row against the side of the building. "Parents, meet your children." Mrs. Teacher said just as she does every day - except today was different. Instead of my daughter grinning from ear to ear and running to meet me in the middle - she stood paralyzed. As I approached her she backed up against the wall and started to cry. My own daughter didn't recognize the "new and improved" Mommy 2.0 haircut and she didn't like it. She kicked and screamed her way into our van and then sobbed the short 10 minute ride home. She cried that she was scared of me and that I didn't look like her mommy anymore. She gave me the cold shoulder for the remainder of the day, and I was deflated.

So I have good hair, but my kid is mad at me.

There is nothing worse than being on the receiving end of three-year-old fury. I hope she gets over it real soon since my next step in reclaiming 'me' is to wage a war on the grey hairs that are creeping in far to fast.

Original New Jersey Moms Blog post by MaryTara. Read more of MT's adventures in parenting her gluten & casein free autistic wonderkid and his neuro-typical diva sister at The Bon Bon Gazette.