This morning I snapped a couple pictures of her before I took her to the vet but in looking at them, it is not how I want to remember her. I want to remember her as the puppy with the giant feet, that grew into a gigantic beast of a dog. A loving beast that my son used to use for a bed (as pictured). She was such a gentle soul, and had no idea of her enormity. But in the end it was her size that got the best of her. She couldn't go up and down the stairs. Her quality of life was suffering and it was time to make the difficult call. I hate myself right now and I feel like a murderer even though I know it was her time. My heart hurts.My daughter knows that I am sad and she just keeps giving me hugs. She doesn't want me to cry. Alex got upset when I was crying and told me not to cry. Sometimes it seems he is so nonphased by death but I know it is because he truly doesn't understand it (or maybe he does?). This is not the first time we've had to deal with death this year. When my father passed away suddenly the children got a crash course in death, funerals, and heaven. My son still asks on about a weekly basis "Where did Grandpa Tom Go? And where is he?". And we answer that he is in heaven - and sometimes he'll stop with the questions, and other times he will ask more. His little sister recognizes that this is a sad subject for me and when he starts she will tell him to "knock it off" or that "he's pushing it" and "needs to drop it". I see her becoming a little mother to her older brother right before my eyes, and it touches me but tears me up at the same time.
This morning when we asked the kids to say good-bye to the dog - my daughter petted her and said a couple of nice things. She drew a picture today of a big dog with rainbow colors on it and waves and said it is a "rainbow dog" and it is at the beach. She did this all on her own - she just turned 5 years old. She gets it. Meanwhile, Alex just yelled "Good-Bye Josie" while playing with this Nintendo DS and barely looked at the dog. But for him, I know it is just a matter of time before he asks about where she went and we go through another round of questions about Heaven. I know it will take longer for him to sink in and realize that his dear doggie is really gone.
Related:
Saying Good-Bye to Grandpa and can you take an airplane to Heaven
On Autism and a Death in the Family
In a Time of Sadness
Have you thought about all the bunnies?
that I loved and cherished. I used it a lot in the beginning but then put it up and away. The other day the kids were asking for waffles - and since I had a gluten free mix in my pantry I thought I'd pull it out. I did, only to find that it was broken. It was a sad sad day. My husband went out to Target to see if they had a new one in stock - but they didn't as it is an item they usually carry around the holidays. He went online and ordered me one, and I had a new one within days. Of course, that meant one thing - Breakfast for dinner! First, I made gluten and casein free Hello Kitty waffles for Alex using the 
. You just add - oil, egg, and water to the mix and it makes pretty yummy waffles. Because the Hello Kitty waffler doesn't have a timer on it, you need to kind of play a guessing game on when they are done. If anything, I overcooked these a bit but Alex likes a crispier waffle and they are pretty thick so I wanted to make sure it was cooked all the way through. When done, I made up some non-gfcf Hello Kitty Waffles for the family. 
. But, because of snow days - the kids didn't have school on Friday nor their Valentine's party.
